


Talking to herself

by Morgan_Lungbarrow



Category: Doctor Who, Doctor Who & Related Fandoms, Doctor Who (2005)
Genre: Confusing pronouns, F/F, F/M, Not Majorly, Post-Episode: s12e01-02 Spyfall, Suicidal Thoughts, Thoschei, don't worry there's another to help, missy being nice, sad doctor, tea and biscuits
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-19
Updated: 2020-08-19
Packaged: 2021-03-06 05:41:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,366
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25998439
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Morgan_Lungbarrow/pseuds/Morgan_Lungbarrow
Summary: The Doctor talks to herself all the time. So when she loses all hope, who does she talk to? Herself of course.The thirteenth Doctor meets up with her past self for a chat.
Relationships: The Doctor/The Master (Doctor Who), Thirteenth Doctor & Twelfth Doctor, Thirteenth Doctor/Missy, Thirteenth Doctor/The Master (Dhawan), Thirteenth Doctor/The Master (Doctor Who), Twelfth Doctor/Missy, Twelfth Doctor/The Master
Comments: 4
Kudos: 32





	Talking to herself

**Author's Note:**

> ~~~~Read tags please~~~~
> 
> I had a good day today (came out to my best friend as bi, first person I told) so wrote this. I wrote it quickly and isn't beta read, so sorry if there are mistakes. Phoexx

The Master was back. Those were the only words the Doctor could think. Her companions kept asking questions about who he was, and who she was as well. But she couldn’t answer, because she didn’t know the answers to either herself. Standing in the console room, crying, most certainly wasn’t the best look; however she had given up trying to look good when she started wearing celery. She let her guard down for the first time in three years, yet without Missy it seemed pointless. The TARDIS tried to comfort her, to no avail; she had lost everything, and now her hope had gone as well. She thought about trying to find River, but doing so would probably take all night, and regardless, she wouldn’t understand. There was only one person out there who could: herself. Of course, trying to track down a past version of you isn’t too easy, though it wasn’t the first time. A quick flick of a switch and the Doctor was off into the vortex.

The TARDIS materialised in a large field, with billowing green grass. Who knows where, she didn’t check. He was there, thermos of tea and a pack of biscuits sitting on a checked blanket. “Doctor?” the other Doctor asked. 

“Hi Doctor.” The Doctor ran a hand through his grey curls, he looked tired. “When are you from?” She joined him on the blanket, taking off her coat. 

“Just on our way back to the vault from Scotland, Missy’s doing some maintenance and I think Nardole is going to tell me off later. Bill’s working on her essay. What about you?”

“I don’t know if I should tell you, you’re happy right now, and I’m just going to ruin that.”

“I won’t keep any memories of this, so you can spoil the future all you want, I think you need it. Anyway, I want to know what it’s like being a woman. Missy seems to like it.” The Doctor laughed and stared out over the horizon, where three suns were slowly setting. A truly beautiful planet. “I’ve just come from Gallifrey, after saving the world. They’ve destroyed it, the Master, they’ve completely obliterated it. Genocide, again. I thought we got through to Missy, but this is just back to old ways. I…I hoped she hadn’t gone with him, but I don’t know what happened, and now I can never ask. He wants me dead. As usual.” She felt an arm wrapped round her, trying not to cry.

“We always fall in love with the dangerous ones.” They met each other’s eyes, not needing to say the words that would explain. It was all there, two thousand years of betrayal and heartsache. “What do you want?” He poured her a tea, still steaming hot. 

“The same thing we always want. Them. Just for us to be together once more, without having to stop the other ending the universe. We were so close to that before.”

“The universe doesn’t seem to like us very much; I don’t think it ever has. There’s nothing you can do but try, and maybe one glorious day we can hold them in our arms, and they will stop burning, and we can just be. Until then, we keep fighting for them and for those we take on-board.” He looked worried for himself. “I don’t think I can do that anymore.” She had given up not crying now, the pain of her lives too much. “Are you alone?” She shook her head.

“Got friends, Ryan, Graham and Yaz. Met them a few minutes after regenerating two and a bit years ago. Been with me ever since.”

“And what do they know about us?” 

“That we’re from Gallifrey, and the Master used to be our friend. Oh and we have two hearts.”

“When did you tell them that?”

“About two hours ago.” He sighed, some things never changed.

“There’s your issue, you need to open up to them more. Hardly fair, and you can’t do this whenever you feel sad. It damages the timelines.” She knew he was right, they shared the same brain, but that didn’t mean she wanted to admit that. “It’s not sadness, it’s defeat. I can’t win anymore.”

“What are you saying?”

“That I don’t want to do this anymore. That I’d rather not fight it anymore. I don’t think I want to live, and I haven’t felt like that for a long time.”

“Now we can’t have you talking like that, can we?” They jumped at the voice; Missy had appeared in his TARDIS doorway. “For whatever it is I’m yet to do, I am sorry. That’s the only reason you ever talk to yourself. When I’ve done something.”

“Missy…” She couldn’t form the words she wanted to say.

“Doctor dear, do stop frowning, it doesn’t suit you.” She smiled as both Doctor’s hid their faces. 

“Why do you do it? End the world, betray me, commit genocide…” Missy sat down, unable to leave and sighed. 

“My mind tells me to, and I listen. I have nothing better to do. We both have the same anger, you’re just better at controlling it than me. Mostly, I think it’s because I spend all my time on my own. I end worlds to get your attention as I have no one to stop me, to keep me company, to give me a hug when I need one. It is a distraction from everything. I’m sure you wouldn’t rather I took it out on myself.”

“Definitely not, you’re too special for that.” The Doctor shrugged her coat back on, it was getting cold. 

“That was very mature of you Missy, well done.” She rolled her eyes at him.

“What should I do about you?” The Doctor didn’t know what else to ask. It was either that or to run over there and kiss her. 

“They’ll be scared, not that they would admit it, and they want nothing more than for you to ground them. To hold them while they cry, to stop them punching endless walls. They want you, but are too frightened to admit to it. And they love you; they just think that they shouldn’t and so try to hide their feelings. They need to be kept in one place, to calm them down, so that they feel safe. But above all they are scared of being left alone and rejected. Find them before they can do anymore damage. Look after them; you’ve seen what staying in one place can do. I don’t want to be evil; I want to see the stars with you, like we promised. I just don’t know what else to do.” The daisy chain the Doctors had both been making seemed to have grown rather large while Missy was talking, both of them not sure to react to what had been said. It was the current face that broke the silence. “Thank you. I’ll find him, see what I can do.” Missy stood up, brushing her skirts down, then crossed her arms, looking serious. 

“You are the most important person in the universe, I need you, your friends need you. We all need you.” The Doctor quickly closed the gap between them, kissing her until her bypass kicked in. They both pulled away gasping slightly for breath. “Shut up Theta.” Missy glared at the other Doctor, who was balancing biscuits a thermos and a blanket in his arms. “I’ve got to go before Nardole sedates me or something for leaving the engine room. Don’t give up hope, please. Only in darkness are we revealed. Goodness is not goodness that seeks advantage. Good is good in the final hour, in the deepest pit without hope, without witness, without reward. Virtue is only virtue in extremis.” And then she was gone.  
The two Doctors faced each other for a moment. “How did she memorise that?”

“Who knows?” He reached out to shake the hand of his future self. “Good luck, you’ll be ok.”

“Thank you. I mean it; it’s useful being able to talk to yourself.”

Then he was gone as well. She returned to her TARDIS, knowing for the first time exactly what she had to do.

**Author's Note:**

> Hope you enjoyed, feedback appreciated. I know it isn't that good, but I'm tired. Phoexx


End file.
